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Tell's avatar

In American Ninja Warrior the participants one after the other run, jump and climb through a very tough obstacle course, and few reach the finish line. Many fall down in the water below. The commentators note that often participants get stuck on an obstacle, but once one of them get past it it's much more likely that those after him will get past it as well. So your mindset does have an effect.

This can be exaggerated, of course. In blogs based on helping guys hit on girls, which were more common about ten years ago, there were many useful tips. (A small percent of guys raise the sex-partner-average for all guys, making the average far higher than the mean, because about 80 percent of women want them. So don't think the advice blogs tricked young women into having sex. They were already having sex, just with the same guys. Spreading it around a little isn't bad.) But a real bad tip was "fake it til you make it." The idea that it's all about having courage, nothing else needed.

The blog Chateau Heartiste unfortunately went all-out on that one, because it was what so many regular visitors (and why were they regular visitors instead of getting girlfriends?) wanted to hear: It sounded easy. You don't need to work out, don't need money, don't need friends to go out with. Just act like you're great. He even said, "women don't like millionaires because of their money, but because of the CONFIDENCE it gives them." What a sad turn in that blog. The truth is, "fake it til you make it" would make some guys go out and be loud, with big smiles plastered on, and they'd just look weird. They'd get depressed by all the failure, and would gain a reputation as the guy who hits on anyone, which is absolute poison, especially when women are in contact with each other in Facebook and love gossiping about weird guys.

As better advisers would say, "women can smell bullshit a mile away."

On the other hand, in forums there'd always be someone going in the other direction and get attention that way. You don't need ANYTHING to hit on women, "just smile and say hi!" But the point was, how to get the attractive women, who have a lot of options. Just saying "hi" or "just have confidence" were equally bad advice for how to get those women.

I'm veering off topic. But let me say that those blogs and forums did help me. One especially valuable piece of advice was, "don't settle." Too many guys will hold on to a girl because she gives them sex and company, and they're too afraid to leave that comfort. Which means they'll break up later instead, after several years, having wasted those youthful years when they could have found someone else. I could have settled in two relationships, but I didn't, and so I found the girl who was better for me. And I did that by another piece of useful advice: Instead of the nonsense "You'll find someone when you stop looking" which is what people say when they have no idea, they won't stick their neck out with actual advice, and they think anything that is a paradox must be wise, I followed the advice "Get out there." Keep looking through different venues. Don't stay in your hobby if it gives you nothing - you know attractive women don't stick around for a hobby when they see there are no hot guys there. Be that goal-oriented yourself. If I hadn't followed this advice, I would have settled and wouldn't have found my current girlfriend.

I think this is good advice for sports and work as well. Don't get stuck just because it's comfortable, if it doesn't lead anywhere. Don't fool yourself with talk about loyalty and hopes that things might change. Make the change yourself. Sailer mentions Trump - in his professional life he was constantly trying new ideas, and that is the case with a lot of successful people. Look up the "Google Graveyard" to see how that company has tried and ditched dozens of things. It's just that in the end you only hear about the things that work, and the only advice the successful will give you is a variation of "work hard!" They don't mention how they tried and failed, then switched and tried something else.

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Paulus's avatar

Ben Franklin offered some good advice in his Autobiography. I was particularly impressed with his lesson on maintaining courtesy in a debate. I wish more people would follow this advice on the internet.

"[A] Quaker friend having kindly informed me that I was generally thought proud; that my pride show'd itself frequently in conversation; that I was not content with being in the right when discussing any point, but was overbearing, and rather insolent, of which he convinc'd me by mentioning several instances; I determined endeavouring to cure myself, if I could, of this vice or folly among the rest, and I added Humility to my list, giving an extensive meaning to the word.

"I cannot boast of much success in acquiring the reality of this virtue, but I had a good deal with regard to the appearance of it. I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiments of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbid myself, agreeably to the old laws of our Junto, the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fix'd opinion, such as certainly, undoubtedly, etc., and I adopted, instead of them, I conceive, I apprehend, or I imagine a thing to be so or so; or it so appears to me at present. When another asserted something that I thought an error, I deny'd myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing immediately some absurdity in his proposition; and in answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appear'd or seem'd to me some difference, etc. I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I engag'd in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I propos'd my opinions procur'd them a readier reception and less contradiction; I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily prevail'd with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right."

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